Open letter to our pets

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Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for NonPet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

*seufz*

Tja, so isses - beide Teile

Mir gefällt der Teil mit der Nascar-Treppe am besten Ist bei uns nämlich jeden Morgen so

Wir wohnen nur auf einer Etage - sonst hätte ich mich schon zu Tode gestürzt! Es reicht vollkommend, dass Lara unseren Flur als Rennbahn nimmt

Das kommt ja noch hinzu Letze Woche ist sie durchs gesamte Untergeschoss geölt, kam zu mir aufs Sofa gerannt, lief einmal um mich rum, gab mir ein Nasenbussi und ist weiter gesprintet

Jetzt stell dir das vor mit einem 9-Kilo-Geschoss, einem 5-Kilo-Geschoss und einem 3-Kilo-Leichtgewicht.
Wenn die am Rad drehen, kanns du echt nur noch in Deckung gehen.
Wer hat eigentlich den Begriff "Samtpfoten" erfunden? Elefantenherde passt da manchmal echt besser

Ich denke manchmal auch, ich beherberge eine Büffelherde
9 Kilo möchte ich im vollen Anlauf auch nicht unbedingt im Wege stehen